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>>41047948
Thread can't start without THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE

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Challenge: explain this in exactly 7 words

>>41048028
Twilight Sparkle discovers the three-body problem.

>>41048028
>We've done absolutely nothing productive whole day.

>>41048028
Clone experiment gone wrong

>>41048028
Silly purple pony doing silly purple things

>>41048028
Twilight, Twilight, and Twilight fly in circles.

>>41048028
Three changing attack each other in confusion

>>41048028
Twilight forgets which one's the real her

>>41048028
Head Honcho Horse Becomes Her Own Halo

>>40977103
Testing off-thread links, don't mind me, just being a relative newfren again

>>41046572
>>40977103
>Be Jerry, illegal Data Dog
>Plus loyal assistant to local war hero/war criminal/kooky farmer named Anon
>You're really in the shit now, eh?
>You wonder where your old buddy Ein is- probably eating shoe leather in Ganymede's orbit, if that shifty crew of his is any indication
>Nah, shoe leather's too fancy- that spiky-haired guy can probably barely afford shoe pleather!
>Fuck! Now's not the time for reminiscing!
>You got shit to do!
>Acting Captain/Master has no fucking clue, the steerage boy never has a clue, and the horned girl makes you feel very uncomfortable so let's not ask her!
>Can't really blame them, though- they got thrown into this hulk with less training than Anon got. Thank Scoob one of them can actually understand you!
>Panicking gets soldiers killed! Take account so you can take charge!
>Step one: alert the crew. Check.
>Step two: Fully assess the current crisis. Slow is precise, precise is fast:

>Fucking big iguana is using your mobile command center as an ass warmer
>Looks like the same shitbag who smoked out half of Horseyburg or whatever their dumb name means
>SHIT! The vents!
>Your precious, designed-by-the-lowest-motherfucking-bidder-so-we-have-fuck-all-for-heat-sinks vents!
>To the cab! Check the engine status!
>You sprint forward as fast as your little legs can carry, which is surprisingly fast because you're an absolute unit in more ways than one
>Climb up into the engineer's chair, sit your ass down in the nice Jerry-shaped hole you've worn into it over the years
>Plasma flow- nominal, or shit would be on fire
>Coolant is cycling properly, the extra 10 tons on top has yet to burst any piping
>Containment isn't redlining.
>Yet.
>Step two- check

>Step three- devise solutions
>You already tried readying the guns, the critter's fat ass is holding them down.
>Sadly, there will be no reenactment of St. George and his lance tonight.
>Something ain't adding up, though-

>Back to step two again.
>This thing was designed by kraut wizards who figured out how to turn hot fusion into cold fusion, but not how to just have cold fucking fusion to begin with.
>Goddamn army considered it a feature- soldiers have to be DOING shit or their asses get roasted, either by the reactor or when the vents give their ass away on a heat scope.
>Why the hell have you not blown up yet?
>There's no ECM, the cloak burned out decades ago, the lights take fuck-all to run
>The only outlet the reactor has is the vents and the redneck-tier drivetrain which isn't running
>And you don't even have open sky to vent into
>Maybe dragons are immune to cooking, but not immune to heat?
>Like, they get superhot, they just don't get hurt from it
>Yeah- dragons must be like living heat sinks, it's the only explanation that doesn't end in going up like Hiroshima
>That Spike boy really hates being cold- reaching for a blanket every time you saw him
>But do we have any tanks of coolant on board?

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>Celestia got into Anon's guns
>She's trying to be one of those 'Elmers' she's heard so much about
>She is yet to realize the ramifications of pointing an mp5 at the back of her own head
What do?

>>41049414
give her a demo by executing and apple infront of her the fruit of course

>>41049414
Simple, politely inform her that those items are of religious significance an that she puts them down. Then explain how the right to bear arms are a god given right given by god and explain what they do. That way she understands the inherent danger they pose and won't take them away from Anon due to them being religious in nature.

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>>41049443
This works, but now impressionable ponies are using this tactic.
The CMCs are legally registered as a knightly order and have begun protecting pilgrims on the way to the most sacred site in all of ponydom: The swingset where Commander Firefly totally swung all the way around.
This has caused Apple Bloom's chores to go undone, and Applejack is blaming your bad influence. What do?

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Do Kinderpones possess object permanence?

>>41049489
depends on the author and or how kinder you want them

>>41049462
Go to the CMC and ask if Commander Firefly would want them disobeying their Commander (applejack) and hope that Apple Bloom would do as Commander Firefly would want her to do.

>>41049489
I don't know, but that pony clearly needs help possessing her pringles.

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>>41049489
>get hoof stuck in pringles can
>everything is exactly the same

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pictured: war crime

>>41049546
fluttershy cuddle sexo

>>41050058
I’m gonna break the glass regardless. And when I rescue her from that prison, I’m gonna give her lots of cuddles and smooches for not giving up hope.

>>41050072
You’re breaking the law! You break that glass, you need to sing a catchy song as well

>>41050077
Screw the law; I live by my own justice! I’ll take on anypony who tries to stop me!

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>>41050486

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>>41049546
>10 minutes later

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>>41050644
This seems to be a common problem among ponies.

>>41050722
>tips over

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>>41050722
mare to surpass metal gear

>>41050077
This iiiiiiis the rescuing ponies soooooooong
And it's not too terribly long!

In Psychonauts, the enemies you fight are mostly Censors- described as the mind's psychic immune system; they're attacking you, a helpful intruder, because they can't distinguish friend or foe.

What if ponies just have no censors and that's why they're so susceptible to madness? For that matter, how would Luna react upon getting booted out of a dreaming Anon's mind through no act of his own?

>>41051070
>Psychonauts
Oh, I love that game. Tons of great dialogue in there.
>What if ponies just have no censors and that's why they're so susceptible to madness?
If you think about it, this actually makes a lot of sense with Kinderpones. Of course they wouldn’t have that kinda stuff going on up there. It’s too logical.
>how would Luna react upon getting booted out of a dreaming Anon's mind through no act of his own?
She would confront him immediately, while he’s still sleeping soundly, by teleporting into his bed and scaring the fuck out of him; demanding that he teach her his ’eepy-time powers. When he realizes that she’s talking nonsense, he would pull her into bed to act as his sleep-aid plushie for the rest of the night.

>>41051168
>Dreaming next to Anon inoculates Luna
>She is now followed everywhere in the dream realm
>A herd of little green fillies who walk backwards on their front hooves, their back hooves looking like glowing red NO symbols

Boopa

>>41048888 (hory shit I wasted quads)
>Journal of Captain Snips
>Yer land-ship's been beached beneath the red whale for at least an hour now
>Queen Trixie was built like a Mexicolt poopenhausen, but even so her hull is starting to creak beneath Moby Derg
>Speaking like ye olde pyrates has raised the morale of yer jolly tars; still, tis only a matter of time before the talk of mutiny spreads
>Mister Jeremy spoke of using freezifying alchemy to give the lizard the old anti-hotfoot
>A sound plan, one that would've been carried out already, if not for Jerry's insistence that the coldium must stay in its piping lest yer magazine go up like yer toilet after eating at Saffron Masala's
>All in all, yer right back where ye started: up poop creek with no luck

>Ensign Snails is up and about, but the lass is still in her bunk
"Yar, I hate to say it, but we might be bound fer better sailin'."
>"Uh, wouldn't that be a good thing, Cap'n?"
"No- it's a euphemism for 'we're all gonna die.' Yar."
>"Oh. K. One sec."
>He takes a breath worthy of a whale breaching the surface for the first time in 3 hours, then:
>"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"
>From the quarters you hear the telltale thump of a filly's rump
>Most likely from bed she has finally jumped
>Mayhap she has a plan to keep ye all from being royally pumped?
>"WHAT THE HECK, GUY- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"
>Jolly, you needn't waste any breath explaining the grim situation to her

"Ah, finally decided to join us, Miss Muffinmare?"
>"How did you- whatever. Why is there a DRAGON sitting on our roof!?"
"We be thinking it likes the heat from our boiler. Jerry thinks we can scare it off with something cold, but we've nothing to spare..."
>"Well, dang, looks like we're all gonna die. Hey Snails, let's try and make a foal! Come on, you know you want to! We won't live long enough!"
>"Uh, I don't know how- my mom keeps telling me to ask my dad but my dad's never around."
>The stare you level at Dinky could freeze a phoenix
>You, and everyone, jump in surprise when you hear the sound of ice cracking from Dinky's bunk
>"What? I swiped some firecrackers from my mom's boyfriend- they were useless anyway, he said he couldn't get them to trigger!"
"Then why did you even want them!? AND WHY WOULD YOU STORE THEM UNDER YOUR OWN BED!?"
>"STOP YELLING AT ME! I THOUGHT THEY'D BE USEFUL!"
>"What I wanna know is uh, how did she get them here? She weren't carrying anything when we ran outta Ponyville."
>"Shut it, hot boy!"
"Shut up, dude! Wait wait wait- why are FIRECRACKERS making a sound like an iceberg breaking!?"
>"Ohhh, he said something about emotional magic- I dunno, maybe they reacted to the TOTAL. LACK. OF. ROMANCE. on this boat?"
"That's- Huh, okay, Jerry! Go get them! Dinky, keep hitting on Snails!"
>"Can do!"

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>>41051867

>>41052507
Is this the equivalent of a monkey throwing its poop at the humans?

>>41053062
Seems to be

>>41053062
Absolutely

>>41052121
"Alright, we're only getting one shot at this-"
>You pause and look at all three of your crew for effect
"First, I stand near the bundle and give Snails the cold shoulder."
>"What'd I do, dude?"
>You start to answer, but content yourself with pointing a hoof at Dinky
>Dinky, who is rubbing herself on Snails like a cat
>Even going under him, making sure to get her mane oil all over his belly
>Eugh
"Anyway- after the bomb gets cold enough, we lean out the window and chuck it at the dragon's nards. Guess the plan isn't so complicated, after all."
>"Didn't Jerry say we'd fry like an egg?"
>Wow, Snails actually asking a relevant question?
"Yeah, but, he also says the dragon's butt is soaking up all the extra heat. We should be able to do it, I guess we all need to be there to shut the window REALLY fast when-"
>"BOOF!"
"Yeah that's a good point- Snails, you and Jerry get up front and be ready to drive, Dinky you're with me."
>"But-"
"No buts. I don't want you sitting in the pit staring at Snails again, you're on steering!"
>Dinky scrunches and pouts and stomps, but ultimately takes her post as the others head to the front
>You grab the-
>Nope, it's frozen to the floor! You're gonna need to grab the crowbar!
>It takes some work but you finally have a bundle of anti-fireworks powered by your sheer heebyjeebies ready to rock
>Dinky's tongue sticks out as she works the window, you finally hear the mechanism click and-
>OH YE GODS, YER RUMP IS ROASTING!
>Jerry wasn't kidding!
>Grab it! GRAB IT!
>YOUR HEAD IS ON FIRE!
>You hear a screech, probably the wheels straining against the weight
>Thankfully, the resulting sandblast puts out your face-fire
>The derg stands up a bit to scratch its- well, you know, a spot that really hates sand
>Not enough for the car to move, of course, it's stretching like a cat
>Lot of things are stretching like cats right now- the connection causes a blast of cold to emanate from the fireworks
>Now's your chance! Throw it!
>SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
>You're pulled in by a pair of feminine hooves, the window closed tight
>You barely have time to ask who does her hooves before you get knocked onto your chin
>There's a sharp rise in the floor, a sense of vertigo not unlike being on a fancy elevator-
>The dragon decided to take its hot rock with it as it flew away
>Dang it

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>neighn
Not on my watch

>>41054598
>she broke into the house again
How do you lock a door against magic?

>>41054921
use more advanced magic on the lock and smack her very very, softly, away.

>>41054223
>Be hurtling through the air at mach fast
>The dragon did not just fly away as you'd hoped
>Instead, it kept the presence of mind to hold on to the free source of heat
>Held it right against the target of your freezypops, in fact
>Ew
>On the bright side, unless the compass somehow got fried, you're heading closer to your destination
>Might shave a day or two off your travel, assuming you get out of here
>Which you have to.
>You...
>Can't fail. Not an option.
>No thoughts, just duty.
>You've never been smart enough to give up on something before, you're not gonna start now!

>Snails and Jerry are at the front, keeping the boiler from blowing
>Dinky is... Crud, is she okay?
>She paces back and forth, stopping only to gnaw on her own tail hairs
>"We're never gonna make it!" she almost screams to nopony in particular
>You trot up to her, placing a hoof on her shoulder
"Lock it down, sailor! We can't lose!"
>She looks at you like you just said the stupidest thing in the world
>Funny, you were starting to miss that- it's almost comforting

>"What are you talking about!? The last two days we've seen our parents get locked up with a spank-happy teacher! Then we almost get eaten by our neighbors! SAT ON BY A FREAKING DRAGON! AND CARRIED OFF WHEN YOU THREW A POPSICLE INTO ITS BOY PARTS! I can't take it anymore! What next!? mmf! mf! mmmmmf!"
>You deftly parry her hexcasting with a hoof in her mouth
"Stop! You're right, we've been having rotten luck! Do you really want to jinx us more?"
>With eyes as wide as dinner plates, she shakes her head and you remove your now unpleasantly moist hoof from the muffin death zone
"When I said we can't lose, I didn't mean there was no way we'd mess up- I meant we just... can't lose. It's not an option."
>She opens her mouth, but you continue before she can respond
"It's not hopeless either! I had a horrible nightmare and Princess Luna showed up! She's helping us, we have to help her!"
>"Ohhh, great, one half of the Rump-Kicked Sisters! She can't do diddly-squat on a good day! How's she gonna help when she's half-starving!?"

>Crumbs. It's a good point, but-
"The princesses are bad at fighting monsters, but they *are* good at doing normal princess stuff- and we had a long time to talk while I was asleep. Trust me, all we have to do is get there in the next few days, and it'll work out. I just know it."
>You pull her into a hug, she's trying not to sob
>"I'm sorry I've been creeping on Snails- I just like him and I don't know what to do anymore and he's totally out of my league and-"
"Shhhh. Yeah, I get that. We're gonna make it, one step at a time. Right now: How to make the dragon drop us without kill-"

>You're interrupted by a boom and rattling floors, a screech out of Tartarus, Jerry howling in triumph and the sudden vertigo of downward velocity, in that order
>Downward velocity!?
>Crudcrudcrud-
>OW!
>You hit the ground already? That wasn't too bad.
>Dragon wasn't flying too high, you guess- alrighty then!

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Berry, no! That's not Sprite!

>>41055923
she's just like me

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>Camping episode!
What scary stories do they tell?

>>41056958
there gonna talk about how they could totally beat up the not terrifying vacuum monster

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>>41055160
>Emboldened by your victory, everypony takes their station
"East-southeast, Ms. Muffins!"
>"East-southeast, aye Captain!"
>The environment in front of you is miles and miles of sandy plains
>While you're literally looking forward at it, you're really not looking forward to looking at it for the next 12 hours
"Full sail, Mr. Snails!"
>"Uh.... what?"
>Bucking Snails, dude
>You should be used to it by now, but what the hay does Dinky see in him?
"J-Just put all your weight on that pedal! Geez."
>"Oh. Can do!"
>You're thrown against the back... well, you were standing up, so you're thrown against the back of the entire cabin
>Car is go fast, yes
>It's a wobbly, adrenaline-soaked walk back to the front
>You look out the front and- wow, you're really going!
>A bunch of dunes lie ahead- oh crud
>The rapid up-and-down motion of the vehicle dribbles everypony against the roof, the floor, the roof, the floor, etc
>Dinky manages to hold onto the wheel but Snails is thrown out of the pedal pit
>Jerry's frantic barking accompanies the resultant slowdown, and the usual screens going red and screaming
>He manages it, though- and pushes everypony into one of the seats
>It takes a while, but you eventually gather that there's safety harnesses here
>Dinky and Snails easily fit into the driver's seat, to Dinky's extreme delight
>They're pressed together a bit, but this only increases her delight
>There's similar harnesses in every seat on this thing, so you can take your pick
>Only problem is- how in the wide world of Equestria do you work the pedals with nobody down there?
>A lot of yelling and waving sticks and bricks and other tools around ensues

"Wait.... we all have telekinesis. How did we forget- AAAAARGH!"
>Dinky blushes and gets that 'oopsie' look
>"Uh... yeah, I might've... selectively forgot about that... so I could be down in the place with the thing? heh heh."
>You facehoof with an audible clop
"Honestly, I can't even be mad. Snails's brain is as empty as this desert, but what the hay is my excuse? CRUMBS."

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>10

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you have alerted the filler

>>41058601
Would pet.

>>41058601
This made my heart flutter. Very, very cute.

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>>41047948
Can we have some kinder!villain greens? I'd love to read about Kinder!nightmare.

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>>41058854
>Once, in the magical land of Equestria
>There lived two sisters who ruled and protected the ponies
>One raised the sun for ponies to play
>The other raised the moon, to keep bedtime safe
>But the second sister grew weary of all the attention given to her sister
>'Why do ponies shun my night? When do I get to play?' she asked
>'When you're my age!' was always the response
>Until one day, when Princess Luna finally realized that she will never be her sister's age
>'Trickery! By the time I reach your age, you've reached a new age! 'Tis an endless cycle, wench!'
>Celestia tried to reason with her, but it was too little, too late
>Her big sister shenanigans had gone too far
>Princess Luna became Nightmare Moon, and vowed that if ponies would not play beneath her moon, then they would never play at all!
>Celestia tried to stop her, but everyone knows you cannot defeat a goth girl by conventional means
>She was left with no choice but to raid their parents' jewelry box, and plant the Elements of Harmony in Luna's room, causing their parents to banish her to the orbital time out rock for one thousand years
>For a few years, an uneasy peace reigned
>Yet Celestia's woes were far from over. The punishing of Luna strained their relationship, and King Stallion and Queen Mare divorced
>They left for vacation destinations on opposite ends of the world, leaving Celestia to babysit alone
>Yet, she is not hopeless, for the prophecy states that "In a thousand years, the stars will buy back daddy's love."
"Ha! Such a silly old ponytail! SPIKE! Go do the dishes!"

Thought of a good SCP for Kinderquestria.

7Up soda or Ginger ale. A mystical drink that can settle upset tummies and is drinkable without puking.

The supply is sadly limited to what's in Anon's fridge, but the greatest minds in the foundation are working on replicating the potion to be distributed to horsepitals everywhere.

>>41059132
There is also the Chicken Noodle Soup, for the most upset of tummies. Sadly, only O5s are allowed to watch the chickens make the noodles.

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>>41059089
>>She was left with no choice but to raid their parents' jewelry box, and plant the Elements of Harmony in Luna's room, causing their parents to banish her to the orbital time out rock for one thousand years
Kek

>>41059132
An SCP that's an MP3 player with a bunch of human music.

Songs can range from vulgar, violent, mind breaking, to incredibly profound and emotionally resonating.

It's set to shuffle and they're not smart enough to figure out, so what they listen to and the effects are random.

Some ponies have listened to songs that expanded their minds and made them grow up a little bit while others had to get amnestics to forget all the no-no words.

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>>41059419
Ok but in a world of heartsongs, an ipod is SERIOUS power. Imagine the chaos if they accidentally connect the bluetooth speakers? The power if anypony can read the ancient runes and command it properly!

>Silver Spoon had a BIG secret
>She could read Humanese
>She even knows its real name: Anglish! Because so many of the letters have neat angles, duh!
>It didn't seem like a big deal to her at the time
>After all, it could've been anypony who got orphaned, shunned because of Cooties, and taken in by a nice alien grandma with lots of books
>She even earned her cutie mark by giving her medicine before she-
>Let's just say she earned a reason to envy blank flanks that day
>Anyway, it wasn't a big deal... Until she noticed something with the undercover guard ponies
>A lot of the time, the thingies they take away are all written in Humanese!
>Worse, they take anypony who's touched them and give them back with their brains all scrambled!
>She had a close call once, she read a sign and left some building that teleported into Ponyville
>Lying to a guard about just being lucky wasn't her proudest moment, but the thought of forgetting her favorite grandma was too much to bear
>Silver Spoon never trusted anypony with this information, not even Diamond Tiara after her reformation
>And so it went, day after day, the sole inheritor of so much knowledge! She knew words for things ponies couldn't even imagine!
>Until one day, that foal-eating chimera got bold and stalked its way into Ponyville
>There was no warning, just ponies getting eaten left and right

>>41059774
>Be Silver Spoon
>You were largely ignorant of this, having spent the day spying on those suspicious "Foundation" ponies
>They're good, but they don't have the smartitude of a grandma!
>You watched as they screwed around with an EmPeeThree player- MP3 being some weird Anglish word for music even Granny Spoonmeyer didn't really understand
>You cringed as they failed to connect it to the sound system- wait, do they have that thing stuck on shuffle? Ooof, you do not envy the pony who gets a heavy metal song with those ear-speakers!
>Not as hard as when one of those mares, and her big speaker, disappeared into a tiger-goat-snake thing
>Wait, what?
>AAAAAA! Another one!
>Grab the music player! RUN!
>You run til you want to puke, ducking into an open house and running as far from any entrances as you could
>If there's one saving grace, it's that chimerae are too big to fit into doors!
>"Come on out, kid! We need ssssome medissssine for our tummyache! That's what sssssilver ssspoons are for, yessss?"
>Crudcrudcrudcrud
>The thing is leaning into windows, opening its mouth wide
"Go away! You can't fit in here and I'm smarter than the average pony!"
>Just keep your head down! It'll be alright, it'll blow over! It always does! Don't panic! Do-
>"Oh woe is me, these deplorable conditions are ruining my mane!"
>"RARITY! HOW DO WE GET OUT OF HERE!?"
>"Cease and desist! It's unlawful to consume and/or digest ponies unless they are terminally ill or recently deceased, and have filed written permission for a burial-by-tummy with the mayor's office!"
>Was that Rarity? Sweetie Belle? DIAMOND TIARA!?
>Oh no
>No no no no no
>Despair increasing
>Urge to just get eaten and not have to worry is rising!
>Wait-
>Big speaker!
>You use your nose to paw through the magic glass on the music box
"Come on, come on- pleasepleaseplease-"
>An obsequious, tinny, female voice responds "Bluetooth connected."
>YES! YES! YES!
>Need to find the right song, and hurry!
"Come on! Who organized this thing!?"
>"Silver Spoon!? Wipe your hooves before you get eaten! It's filthy enough as it is!"
"Gee, bucking THANKS, DD'S MOM. Couldn't just tell me to run, or remember you, or get help, no it's just DON'T MAKE THIS GIANT STOMACH A PERCENT OF A PERCENT NASTIER, HUH?"
>"I never! Do not speak to me like that- my Diamond Tiara will require a servant to be buried with her! You should be grateful I even considered you!"
>"YOU SUCK, MOM! SHUDDUP!"
>Oh crud, are those walls cracking?
>AAAAAA
"Aha! Eighties music! Granny always said this made her want to take action!"
>But which one? Humans often got weird about how they named music
>No time! Trust your gut, and you'll stay outta that gut!
"Eye of the Tiger - Survivor... YES. I would like to survive the eye of this tiger!"
>You boop the play button with your snoot and wait
>For a little bit it seems like nothing is happening
>You can hear the faint bass coming from the bluetooth inside the chimera, at least

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>>41059776
>"Is tha-a-a-a-at all? Giving us some music with dinner? That's kinda-a-a-a-a nice, kid. Wish more ponies would cooperate like you-u-u-u-u- OW! OWWWWWWWWW!"
"Did you forget, you big jerk? Ponies LOVE montages!"
>You watch in silent triumph as the chimera is torn apart from the inside, its victims guided by a war ballad whose words they know not in their brains but in their hearts
>Did I say triumph? Because this is pretty gross and maybe having your brains scrambled is a blessing
>When the song finally ends, everypony inside the chimera was converted back from an entree to a pony
>Likewise the chimera was converted to a dead, twitching, disgusting pile of chewed hayburger patty
>"Oh ye GODS, my EVERYTHING is ruined!"
>"Lighten up, Rarity- at least we're not turning into catgoatsnake poop anymore!"
>Diamond Tiara kicks her mother into the pile of various fluids formerly known as Chimera and runs to you
"NO NO NO DO NOT HUG ME NO NO- Oh crud, EWWWWWWWWWWWW"
>"thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou"
"STOP NUZZLING ME! YOU'RE RUBBING IT IN!"
>You're too distracted by this effluent embrace to notice the shadow of purple wings over you
>"AHEM."
>Princess Twilight Sparkle is looking very... uh... you can't place that expression, really
>"How on earth did you do that!? We'd been trying to- hang on, that's OUR- I mean, that is to say-"
"You run a super secret agency that stops weird stuff- like the stuff that's too weird to even admit it exists. Yeah, I know, you guys really aren't hard to spot if you're paying any attention."
>Seriously, did they think nopony would notice all the out-of-towners making secret knocks at 1am?
"Just scramble my brains and get it over with. Not like I NEEDED those memories of the foster mother who-"
>You pause for a moment, raising your voice in Spoiled Bitch's direction
"WAS ACTUALLY BEST MOMMY! or anything."
>"How did- ugh, no, I'm tired of that hurtful stereotype- amnestics are a LAST RESORT. We're not stinkin' SMILE!"
"So- no brain wipe?"
>"That depends on two questions, I suppose. Sorry- traumatized ponies are the number two risk for villainy, right behind royalty."
"I'm listening."
>"Am I correct in assuming you can comprehend the language on that music box? If so, are you willing to leverage that knowledge for princess and country?"
>Hmmm. Go back home with your 'sister' whose mother will abuse you and deny you snackies? Or, become a modern-day knight, fight monsters, and learn more weird stuff in a day than most stuck-up unicorn mages learned in a lifetime?
"Conditionally, yes and yes."
>"Go on."
"Erase as much of Spoiled Rich's memory as it takes to undo her nastiness. Non-negotiable, I won't leave my friend with a mother like that. Negotiable: Find a way to get them to pay for all your cool stuff, call it Spoiled's redemption story or something."
>"Hmm. I think we can work something out- I'll get my agents together, we'll sort the details out at a sleepover. Your house."

>END INCIDENT LOG

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>SCP-128
>Containment Class: Safe-Thaumiel
>Harm Potential: Extreme
>Morale Disruption Potential: Extreme

>Special Containment Procedures
>SCP-128 is to be entrusted to the care of Chief Humanologist Silver Spoon(1) when not in use. Checkouts are permitted with the following, descending priority: Mobile task forces may requisition the device on the understanding that they will be responsible for ensuring Ms. Spoon's safety in the field. Researchers with level 2 clearance may request a guided test at Ms. Spoon's convenience; researchers with level 3 clearance and written consent of their testfriends may request a shuffle test.(2)
>SCP-128-A is a critical aspect of SCP-128's utility, and is kept in the level 4 armory and deployed only at the request of a level 4 security officer, O5 simple majority, or Ms. Spoon herself.


>Description
>SCP-128 refers to a smooth glassy black tablet, approximately the size of a filly's fetlock. Attached to it by wire are a set of removable earplugs. Upon holding down the small button on the side for 2 seconds, the device will come to life and display a list of options in Anglish. These various options direct the device to pull from an internal library of music, art and movies. When a piece is selected, it will be replayed in perfect recollection; either out loud from the tablet, or through the earplugs if the wire is attached. Upon first waking, the device will always have its rolodex set such that simply pressing the middle button twice will order a continuous, random selection from its music library.(3) When used to play thematically appropriate music out loud, SCP-128 is capable of initiating a Heartsong Dance Trance with near-certainty(4)

>SCP-128-A refers to a large microphone-like assembly, the size and shape of a large salt shaker. When both the assembly and main tablet are powered on, and the operator inputs the correct sequence on the tablet, the tablet will say out loud "Bloo-toof Kon-ek-tid." At this point, the tablet will direct its audio through the microphone, at much higher volume and quality, until powered off or the reversal sequence is input.

>(1)Recent events have proven her to be a primary source on Humanese language and artifacts, and a secondary source on cultural context; the Humanese language has proven to be infuriatingly inconsistent and complex, and all attempts to teach her colleagues have ended in student tantrums
>(2)Written consent must include a liability waiver for: ringy ears, bad dreams, disco fever, mosh pit syndrome, and losing the bliss of ignorance
>(3)Following Incident Look, They're Wrestling!, all requests to randomize video and picture playback are preemptively banned
>(4)As Silver Spoon is currently the only pony capable of actually understanding what is written in the device, she herself is to be considered a Thaumiel-class entity and protected at all costs. MTF leaders will be blamed if she gets eaten again.

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>>41059866
>Look, They're Wrestling!
lmao

>Ponies can understand anything if it's in musical form
>No words, just the feeling
>Before the adoption of Modern Norwhinnyan, all diplomatic envoys had to include a minstrel and backup dancers specially trained to incorporate political pantomiming into their routines.
>You never knew if you'd need to pirouette into pointing at a contested point on a map, get a bunch of ponies to throw goods and coins around, or, heavens forbid: perform the Eyebrow Waggle of 'Hey, My Son Could Boink Your Daughter And We'd Call It Even' to negotiate political marriages
>The laws of F'Realpolitik were as deadly as they were complex; even cracking a note could be interpreted as a veiled call to your guards
>Even today, users of translation spells experience the meaning as a song rather than rote translation

>>41059866
Ok what the fuck, did Anon fuck Silver Spoon?

>>41059964
No?
If you're referring to Look, They're Wrestling, that's when Silver Spoon set up the random video player and the poor testfren was exposed to... 3 women and a midget making foals

>>41059866
Kinder-SCP is always fun to read
>>41059880
Kek

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>>41060172

>>41059866
>MTF leaders will be blamed if she gets eaten again.
>eaten again.
?

>>41060315
Look, it was her fault for standing next to Celestia's cake stash

>>41060864
This has me smiling like a moron.

>>41060864
>Ponk is a nutcracker fueled by pets.

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>SCP-476
>Class: Euclid
>Harm Potential: Zero to Mindcrumby(1)

>Special Containment Procedures:
>While not strictly dangerous, awareness of SCP-476 can lead to unforeseeable (both logically and arcane) consequences, so awareness of SCP-476 should be closely monitored.
>Due to Amnestics being innefective(2) at removing awareness of SCP-476, any and all ponies aware of it must be inducted as part of the Foundation's Lexicomancer or Algebromancer team, under direct command of O-5 01 T.S., or the Foundation's Logistics department.
>Reports on events related to SCP-476 must be typewritten with Arial Font size 12 on white paper with black ink(3), as to dissuade curious untrained readers from reading further.

>Description:
>SCP-476 is a memetic agent (not to be confused with a memetic hazard) that closely relates to speech and the written word.
>SCP-476, also known as Zipf's Law, is an "empirical(5)" law that states that a list sorted decreasingly will have its contents follow the rule: The Nth value will be present around 1/N times.
>In laypone's words, if you sort a list decreasingly, the second item in said list will be found half as often as the first, the third object one third as often and so on. Most often exemplified in linguistics, inventory and algebra (6), as the use of words in a book, the number of bought and used/consumed coloured crayons or answers on a test sheet will follow this law. See Incident Report 1.
>While this pattern might not seem that important, clever spellcasters have found ways to predict events with it, see reports 2-3.
>Due to its utility in logistical prediction, Foundation Logisticians must be inducted in its use, after passing a "Will not use these powers for evil I Pinkie Promise" test.

>Report 1 - Discovery:
>Awareness of SCP-476 came into being after inquiry as to Researcher Anonymous pre-equestrifiaction(4)'s personal effects.
>On SCP-112, also known as "computer", an extensive but not exhaustive database on Human knowledge can be found, labeled as "Offline Wikipedia", catalogued as SCP-113.
>SCP-476 was first noticed during a cursory readthrough of the knowledge stored in SCP-113 by Special Agent Rainbow dash.
>Agent Dash was tasked with using her superlative multitasking prowess to gleam through SCP-113, in order to further the Foundation's awareness of Humanity, after some nondescript amount of time, Special Agent RD discovered the Zipf's Law article.
>Not soon after, Special Agent RD demonstrated superequine logistical talents heretofore unexistent, as she claimed "come on guys it's obvious you need more red crayons!", much to the surprise, and envy of O-5 01 T.S. herself.
>Further prying by O-5 01 T.S. eventually revealed an undetected logistic surplus of all crayons except red, despite red crayons being stocked at the same rate than all other crayons(7).

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>>41061472
>Report 2 - Speech Prediction:
>Foundation Logkeeper, Purple Smart (unrelated to O-5 01 T.S, I know I know, it sounds like a bad fake name she'd make but I promise you it's an unrelated pony), was tasked with logging all the events related to SCP-476's discovery, becoming aware of it as well. Due to Ms. Purple Smart's insistence on using speech to scroll spells, she, in her own words, realized she was writing the sentences spoken a good 2 phrases ahead of time. Arcane and Anomalous inquiry confirms that she was Zipfianically predicting the next sentence, and thus was writing it ahead of time, even ahead of her own awareness.(8)

>Report 3 - Data Leak:
>During a routine data transfer between centers, a rogue lightning hit and destroyed the Data Containers (read: a Pretty Purple Princess brand document Folder).
>Not soon after, Lyra Heartstrings, (at that point) Foundation member and (currently) chief of GOI Horny Agents want Nonny's Dick, or HAND (what a fucking name, man, nice -Anon) started being untrackable by any and ALL tracking spells(9). After much sacrifice, it was eventually gleamed that Agent Heartstrings found out about SCP-476 and it's effects, after reading the reports written by Purple Smart, and researched the anomaly on her own, discovering that [REDACTED: SEE ADDENDUM].
>Researcher Anon has confirmed to have entered a romantic relationship with Agent Heartstrings, though he cannot confirm where she might be at any one point. They definitely held hooves, smooched and "wrestled" if you know what I mean though.

>1. Unrelated to SCP-476 itself, but awareness of it can cause some lingustically inclined ponies to figure out the plot of the drawing book they've been reading ahead of time, causing a Class 3 Tantrum incident.
>2. On volunteer testing, SCP-476 awareness resisted Cider-class, Beer-class, Brandy-class, Vodka-class and Ethanol-class amnestics, even when all other memories in the test subject were removed by the amnestic. Memories were backed up and restored after testing concluded.
>3. Proven both arcane and mathematically (Bless you O-5 01 T.S.) to be THE most boring and least attention calling font scheme, contrasted to Comic Sans, used often by the Foundation's Disinformation department, proven to be the most attractive font to ponykind.
>4. Meaning before Researcher Anonymous arrived in equestria by Anomalous means.
>5. Not "proven" but occurrs often enough to be treated as such. You might wonder why I added this hoofnote, my beloved Anon, yes I know you are reading this, I foresaw it, and only YOU can read it anyway, so... anyways, I cannot edit agency reports anymore, but I can totally edit footnotes! I LOVE YOU ANON! CALL ME, YOU CAN ASK BONBON FOR MY NUMBER I NEED YOUR HOT MONKEY DI-

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>>41061475
>6. The science of language, counting stuff (Fun!) and advanced maths.
>7. Turns out red crayons are bucking delicious, how didn't we ever notice we were going through them like a starving pony on a hayfield?
>8. The speech to scroll spell accidentally mixed with the Zipfian awareness, and it "sorted" each word as it was said, predicting which one would go next, as to keep the pattern.
>9. REDACTED: SEE ADDENDUM

Addendum:
THIS ADDENDUM HAS BEEN REDACTED WITH ANTIFRIEND MEMETIC AGENTS, PLEASE INSERT CLEARANCE KEYCODE...
>...
PLEASE ANSWER THE CLEARANCE TEST:
WHAT IS PRINCESS LUNA'S FAVOURITE SNACK?
>Mooncakes
WHY DOES PRINCESS CELESTIA FEAR CHICKENS?
>Because they remind her of Cockatrices and she fears being petrified.
WHY DOES PRINCESS TWILIGHT FEAR QUESADILLAS?
>You don't wanna know, it's icky! But it involves Rainbow Dash.
...
...
CONFIRMED, YOU MAY CONTINUE:

>According to Anon, the Zipfian law was not really a law back on "Earth", but it seems to be a set in stone honest to Faust law here.
>I ain't writing this danged thing in a report form, you'll have to humor me, ok? Turns out Lyra, that little shit, discovered that not only does Zipf's Law predict speech if transcribed. She thought, hey what if I start writing what's happening around me and Zipf that? So she did, and she started predicting things that'd happen around her! She can LITERALLY foresee the future! It's the sole reason we can't catch her or any of the HAND members, they're literally all prophetic, Celestia damn-it.
>And since she is aware of the future, she can act to correct it, thus breaking any tracking spells, as they tap into the "future" to gleam the "present", thus telling you where somepony is, based on the future's knowledge of where that pony was (or for you, is). (The Missile knows where it is at all times, it knows this because it knows where it isnt! If only anyone could understand this reference... -Anon)
>Research on how to foresee the future like the HAND members can has failed, and Twilight is unsure if we should have a prophetic team, last she tried messing with fate, she caused the very "catastrophe" she warned herself about! But that was arcane, this is anomalous.
>I kinda wish I could foresee the future, I can see myself writing on a small notepad about the scratch n sniffs at the bit store, then using the futurepredicting to find the one where all sniffs smell like cake! I could get rich! Imagine going on vacation to the Bahaymas, buck I could use a break I've been cooped up here for months now.
>Yeah yeah Twilight don't be a stick in the butt I ain't using this for evil I did pass the "not using these powers for evil" test.
>So uhh yeah, that. Don't go telling nopony now, imagine the chaos (oh discord would love that wouldn't he?) if this thing spreads among the common pony.

>>41061481
If Anon is immune to the otherwise omnipresent Zipf's Law, does that mean that he can't be predicted by it? So combined with his above kinder intellect (Anon is probably a 12th level intellect by kinder standards), he could conceivably counteract it.

>>41061521
The idea was that Anon is aware of that but since he's dating Lyra, he has no reason to reveal that.
And the idea behind Zipf's law (an actual IRL thing) was that it got legitimized as an actual strict omnipresent law in kinderquestria due to kinder magic.

>>41048028
>"Now none of us will be virgins!"

>>41051277
>Dream Demon gets bucked silly by wee fillies, the word "NO" imprinted everywhere.
>Luna has to keep her composure to not wake herself laughing.

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>>41061472
>>41061475
>>41061481
Beautiful! I think you forgot to put footnotes 5 and 6 in the document? I mean I can assume footnote 5 is just Lyra talking in footnotes but 6 doesn't appear anywhere? Anyway lovely green fren.

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>SCP-3---------(1)
>Containment Class: Variable, per-instance
>Physical Harm Potential: See above
>Mental Disruption Potential: See above

>Special Containment Procedures:
>SCP-3-- refers to a wide psychological profile; in the interest of Harmony and Fairness, these written procedures refer to the bare minimum applied to all instances not inducted into the Foundation. Regional commands may apply for special permission to alter the containment procedures on a case-by-case basis, providing they can prove beyond all reasonable doubts that the response from the civilian population will not outweigh any gains in preserving happiness.
>SCP-3--- instances are to have their names, families, cutie marks and place of residence catalogued. In addition, local field agents are to make all good faith efforts to track any suspicious activities and long-term movements(2) at their discretion. Foundation SCP-3-- instances are to have priority for these assignments, in the hope that their similarity will assist in both maintaining secrecy and peacefully resolving any altercations an SCP-3--- instance might otherwise be involved in.
>Due to their inherent involvement with GOI Anons Plucked from Earth (APE), no instance of SCP-3--- is to be summarily extracted-for-research, petrified, forever-boxed or imprisoned long-term via Foundation covert action, under ANY circumstances. Repeat: let the public-facing leg of the law deal with unruly SCP-3-- instances. The last time an Anon's foal went missing we nearly lost Canterlot in the ensuing uprising.
>It must be stressed to all field agents: our duty is not to capture and/or destroy. Our duty is to maintain good cheer and public safety. Not every anomaly is inherently dangerous; in fact, many are on our books for their OWN protection. It is of critical importance that all field agents even tangentially associated with this category of anomalies understands this on an instinctual level: Humans. Do. Not. Tolerate. Losing. Foals.

>As of Incident Oubliette, these rulings are to be considered NATIONAL SECURITY level.
>Anypony with doubts is hereby ordered to ask their supervisor for access to Incident Report: Oubliette


>Pictured: Agent Anita Incognita during the Actually Real Not A Prank This Time Please Help Us Rainbow Dash Cookie-Zombie crisis

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>>41061987
>Description:
>SCP-3-- refers to any hybridized offspring of a pony and an Anon-type Human.
>When born of a pony mother, the foal will be invariably green with a dark mane, and can be of any tribe. These foals are invariably larger on average than most ponies, with all 4 known adult instances being approximately the size of Big Mac. Each instance inherits the tribe and magical affinity of its mother, while having a human's physical and mental resilience, capacity for mischief and violence, and rapid maturation to Psychological Adulthood. The raw biological robustness tends to hamper their magical development, with 90% of pegasi having bones too heavy to fly until well into their teenage years; Unicorns have difficulty channeling complex magic, but much greater dexterity and versatility in applying the Three Common Cantrips(3), often seeming to outright break the accepted rules regarding spell levels and application. See Test Log 'Metamagic Chicanery' for more details.

>Instances born of a human mother are much more rare; it is theorized this is largely due to the extreme difficulty humans face with bearing foals and the higher chance of [REDACTED] during delivery. Of the few known instances, most are largely human, though with their father's fur and mane, a tail, and an equine head; human feet or unguligrade hooves appear with a roughly 50/50 chance. Human variants with pony skin colors and tall, gangly proportions are also possible. Theoretically, centaurs and satyrs are possible, though only one living instance exists due to [REDACTED] and [REDACTEDREDACTEDREDACTED- See Oubliette]. In all cases, the magical profile of a human-type instance will follow the same rules as a pony-type instance; pegasi will have wings just below their shoulder, unicorns will have either a horn on their forehead or their claws will be made of hornicorn.

>All forms of SCP-3-- are capable of getting a cutie mark; ensuring this information is disseminated in all communities containing juvenile SCP-3--s is of CRITICAL importance (see: Oubliette)

>Regardless of their parentage, SCP-3--- instances invariably possess much greater reserves of primal Magic energy. This can most easily be seen in their high chance to "will save"(4) (completely shrug off) a harmful spell fired by a non-Alicorn, and their disproportionately high rating on the Mommy's Love magical scaling system(5).

>SCP-3-- instances are capable of bearing viable young; when two SCP-3-- instances snuggle, an SCP-3-- instance of either category can be produced regardless of the parents' category(6). When an SCP-3-- instance marries a non-instance, the foal will be a pureblooded instance of its non-anomalous parent's species regardless of the anomalous parent's category(7).
>Pictured: Kina Fabina escaping a level 2 parental correction measure; individual containment measures have been upgraded

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>>41061999
>1. Pronounced "Ess-See-Pee -ThrEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"
>2. Including but not limited to vacations, field trips, boarding school semesters and ESPECIALLY any extended hospital stay, be it due to injury or disease quarantine
>3. Telekinesis, Cast Light, Spark Flame
>4. Named for a conceptual spell resistance dice roll in Dee-En-Dee, a human equivalent to O&O. That humans flatly assume magic can be commonly resisted would explain a great deal.
>5. A common first-aid training tool which assigns a grade based on the highest level of booboo a pony can kiss away without additional medical procedure and without rendering themselves too tired to repeat within the same waking period. Most ponies can handle a level 1 bruise or a level 2 scrape; medical professionals must routinely handle level 3 knicks and bumps. SCP-3-- instances routinely kiss level 4 cuts, closing them in an instant with minimal scar tissue.
>6. Agents Anita Incognita and Milo Unknownio recently welcomed a human-type filly and a pony-type colt into their family.
>7. POI Hope, a satyr, successfully welcomed (with some difficulty) her second pony-type foal.


>Pictured: POI Hope and POI Gumdrop(D), taken shortly before Incident Oubliette

>>41062012
...what was incident oubliette?

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>>41061987

>>41062152
Something baaaad. Like every-agent-involved-needed-amnestics bad. It's named after a tiny dungeon cell for a reason.
I do plan on writing an incident and test log, just not tonight.

>>41061826
I rearranged things a bit and forgot to renumber the footnotes, footnote 6 appears before footnote 4.

>>41062208
thats a lot of anuns

10

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POV Scootaloo took your B-17 for a joyride

Captcha: 4JKHAY

>>41063556
Thats clearly a Lancaster tho

>>41061481
>>41062012
good shit

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>>41063577

>>41059866
Pretty good.
>>41061475
>resisted Cider-class, Beer-class, Brandy-class, Vodka-class and Ethanol-class amnestics,
I like the implication that it's all just booze.

Thought of a really good SCP, but I'm shit at writing SCP entries.

A human-made telescope. Stronger than pony equivalents allowing the viewing of microorganisms.

Orginisms that ponies were previously unaware of. While this is, by itself, not dangerous, the effect it has on ponies is profound, making it a cognitohazard with high mindcrumby potential.

A lot of ponies will be incredibly uncomfortable with the idea that they're covered in super tiny animals all the time, and that they're even inside of them. Plus they look gross- little blobby things and tiny bugs. Some ponies will wash themselves raw as a result.

Fluttershy even needed amnestics for a different reason. When she found out that soap and hot water kills these things, she realized she was the cause of the death of countless little critters and became inconsolable.

>>41063951
nta but had a similar idea, not SCP but never really got off the ground or figured out how to turn it into a green.

>Anon, sitting in an asylum. Maybe muttering something like "The mitochondria are the powerhouse of the cell. Cells, they're made of organelles. Cells, interlinked." ect.
>Doc comes in for a routine check up, "Are you still seeing these 'cells'? Are they with us now?"
>Doc finally exposed to the horrifying truth of the world a la Cheerilee Fhtagn when he finally convinces her to "peer beyond the veil" with his microscope.

>>41063951
>telescope
You mean a microscope kek

>>41064612
not sure how i feel about this

>>41064900
We see normal dogs and cats in addition to diamond dogs and abyssinians, but there's never any talk of feral ponies. I wonder how ponies would react to domestic horsies.

>>41064913
G1 had domestic horses on the other side of the rainbow.

>>41064932
G4 ponies might remember Megan had a big stallion to carry her, but would they remember TJ had a pet-sized brain or would they twist him into something mythical and pony-like?

>>41064963
Maybe G4 ponies would understand TJ as a kind of "golem" pony, incapable of sapient thought but still useful to Megan.

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>>41059774
>>41059866
Good story Anon, I also think she's the nerdiest pony who could decode human language, but also the 30 years technology gap she's going to discover by reverse engineering the MP3 player, at least connecting it to Equestria's technology

>She's writing a sum up in a note about the MP3 player she analyzed
>"I found out this device connects via a ultra high speed interface, I wrote a simple interface to it, and it stores nearly one trillion bits of information!"
>she's pointing at the tape recorder "That's hundreds of thousands of those magnetic units engraved in one of those black crystals. Another one processes the information to display it electrically on a crystal screen, and it has the computation power of a millions of modern processing units like that one behind me."
>"Just one thing that I don't understand is the archaic electrolytic battery powering it. I expected something magical or highly advanced but it's still primitive yet manages to power all of this with only three volts, as it says on the case."

>>41065262
There's some elegance in tech so perfected that it looks primitive in comparison, cause it hasn't needed to change in centuries.
You know them X-rays? The tech is so established that it hasn't really changed in over 100 years, literally just "point xray through something and make the resulting obstructed beam hit some film". It's so established that an xray costs like 5 USD to perform, since the machines are super simple (in comparison to an MRI machine).
Sure, there have been advances such that you have a "digital film", or smaller/bigger machines for dental/full body xrays, but the underlying "aim beam at thing" tech is still the same.

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>she is ready for her sleep over with (you)
what are you two gonna do?

>>41065627
Trick her into recharging all my stuff by jumping on a cloud bed (this is a dastardly plan to come live with her after she sets my house on fire)

>>41065627
uh, sleep??

>>41065633
Based
>>41065732
Lame

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>>41062012
>Test Log: Metamagic Shenanigans
>The following tests involved 20 different hybrid entities of varying age, tribe(1) and maternal species. Subjects were taken under the guise of ordinary aptitude exams and/or medical concerns vis a vis the subjects' hybrid biology; these justifications have proven to lower disruption to family units and allow parental contact without compromising Foundation secrecy. Identifying details are withheld according to Foundation Ethics unless such details would provide necessary context(1) to the test results.
>1. Most were unicorns, but peculiarities among earth and pegasi were found as well.


>Subjects: 10 equinoid unicorns, adolescent
>Test Goal: Mastery of level 1 Ouch Beam, a force bolt which allows a unicorn to strike an object up to 20-30 paces away with the force of a single-leg punch.
>Ethical Justification: Unnecessary; Ouch Beam is taught to most unicorns with no violent crimes on record.

>Initial results: 7 subjects displayed full understanding of spell mechanics, the remaining 3 did not earn a perfect score when quizzed but were within the Winging It threshold. No subjects were capable of channeling the spell according to prescribed methodology.
>Test alteration: Subjects were permitted to adjust spell matrix and had no maximum Coronal Ejection tolerance.
>New results: 2 subjects cast the spell successfully, but with major energy loss via coronal waste-glow. One subject cast the spell successfully but immediately fainted.
>Test alteration: Subjects were given full creativity in achieving the target outcome of the spell with no prescribed formulae or waste-energy restrictions.
>New results: 7 subjects cast the spell at an alarming level 3 (a full rear-legs buck) with coronal waste being barely brighter than a candle. Remaining 3 subjects were permitted to discuss results with the 7, and cast at a similar level in under 10 minutes. Test considered successful.

>>41066490

>Researcher Moondancer took several of the subjects to interview:
>Moondancer: "What, in your experience, was the issue casting the spell as written?"
>Subject: "Your math is dumb and takes too much thinking. It's also unnecessary, I should ask you why grownups always love making a 1 step thing take 20 steps and a bunch of dumb worksheets."
>M: "That doesn't make any- well, can you describe how you altered the matrix when the restrictions were removed?
>S: "What matrix? I just told you, that stuff is dumb and trips us up."
>M: "I'm supposed to be impartial here, but... that genuinely does not make any sense. Can you just... describe what you did, then?
>S: "We stopped worrying about dumb math and just did it."
>M: "Uh... Okay, that raises another question, but for now: can you just describe, in as much detail as possible, the process that arrived at the fulfillment of the test parameters?"
>S: "I just reached out and hit it. Like grabbing something, but way quicker?"
>M: "What?"
>S: (getting visibly frustrated) "I TOLD YOU. You know how you can just reach out and grab stuff with magic, and it takes no thought because it's just a thing you can do? Why the heck do you think you need a math problem to smack something instead!?"
>M: (in Foundation Code): "We might need to get security in here, NOW."
>M: (to the subject): "Okay, well, could you describe exactly how it felt?"
>S: "Sure, if you tell your goons to back off. Don't look at me like that- if you can't guess that a government geek is calling the rump-thumpers when they whisper a bunch of nonsense into a mic, you deserve whatever you get!"
>M: "I-... I can't do that, I'm afraid."
>S: "Figured. They'd assume I'd hurt you and you were cancelling under duress?"
>M: "HOW THE-"
>S: "Because I think with my fucking brain, dipshit. You wanna know what I did?"
>M: (reeling from the harsh language): "Y-yes?"
>S: "I took my TK field..... and instead of grabbing anything, I just whapped it against the target really hard. I told you, you guys make a 20 step solution to a 1 step problem."

>Other interviews followed a similar pattern, albeit with varying degrees of hostility. The first interviewee was brought home, their parents informed of their harsh language. The (pony) mother reacted with appropriate shock, the father simply responded: "Well, Agent, my [foal] called your researcher a dipshit. The real question is, was she acting like a dipshit?"

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>>41066497
>After the initial test and interviews, security footage was reviewed extensively. The initial interviewee was the same who had cast the spell but fainted, and their successes were accompanied by the expected slight head movements.
>The rest of the subjects had far more energetic movements, going so far as to shadowbox with one or two legs. At the time, this was assumed to be an expression of frustration; on closer inspection, the coronal glow was emanating from their hooves. Slight corruption in the footage, particularly around the impact points, was reported in all cases.
>The non-hostile subjects were re-invited to 'perform their unique magic for Princess Celestia' (who had expressed a keen interest in this matter) and a high-speed thaumographic recall spell was applied to the test chamber. On replay, the source of the image distortion could be found: picrel
>When confronted, subjects universally displayed confusion as to the nature of the question; each one knew the spectral claw was there and required extensive explanation before they accepted that the research team was not feigning ignorance for a joke.

>>41066533
>Test Subjects: Two pegasi, one pony/one anthro, juvenile
>Test Goal: Produce a lightning bolt
>Ethical Justification: Necessary tribe-specific education in case of emergency weatherpony conscription

>Subjects were each stripped bare; anthro subject became belligerent and was issued a nonstatic tunic (see files tagged: HUIMAN MODESTY)
>Subjects were provided with a cup of water, a standard Cloud Smoker, and placed within a room containing thick fog suitable for hoof-working into clouds.
>Subjects were informed of, and asked to perform, the standard procedure: Produce a cloud, darken and heat it with the smoker, and knead the cloud until its electrical content nears saturation; at that point, the energy can be discharged via an impact on the side opposite to the desired direction of output.

>Initial Results: Subjects completed the test to specifications, slowly, but within expected time and accuracy considering their age. Researchers noted excitement at handling clouds, and annoyance at the roundabout method of achieving lightning. Similarity to unicorn interviewees noted.
>Test alteration: Subjects informed that their frustration was noticed, and asked to show researchers their preferred method.
>New Results: Pony doused their wings with smoker solution and shivered until electrical bursts could be emitted on wingflaps. Anthro notes pleasant barbecue smell and inquires as to the availability of [redacted].
>Anthro does not use smoker at all, instead simply rubbing their claws together until the ambient mist had coalesced into a tiny storm cloud. Cloud is placed between two of subject's claws, and squeezed to produce a .5 seconds stream of lightning.


>Test Goal: Flight
>Ethical Justification: Duh?

>Subjects were simply instructed to fly, staying in the air to the best of their ability and performing whatever aerial maneuvers they wished.

>Initial Results: Pony proved extremely clumsy in the air, capable of great lift with relatively few wing movements, but having zero ability to hover and mediocre turning.
>Anthro results nearly the opposite, having very low speed but unusually graceful movements.
>Both subjects unable to fly for more than 5 minutes, complaining of aching wing-joints and exhaustion. Complaints are in line with expectations, considering their age and bone structure.

>Test Alteration: Subjects permitted to rest on clouds, asked to propel clouds if/when they felt ready.
>New Results: Aerial endurance greatly increased, with subjects comparing the experience to swimming with a floatie.
>Pony's maneuvering slightly degrades; crashing is much less frequent, and much less painful when it happens.
>Anthro achieves thrice their unassisted top speed, albeit with lower acceleration. Anthro maintains new top speed for 30 seconds more than unassisted.

>SCP-8008
>Containment Class: Safe-Euclid(1)
>Physical Harm Potential: None
>Mental Harm Potential: Inconclusive

>Special Containment Procedures:
>SCP-8008 is a phenomenon associated with adolescent-to-adult, female members of GOI APE; as such, it is both permanently-contained and uncontainable. Should any entity detach from its host, first assist the host in finding medical assistance, then inform your supervisor. Under no circumstances are any entities to request a drink from an SCP-8008.

>Description:
>SCP-8008 refers to a soft, warm pillowy structure found solely on the barrels of non-juvenile, female humans. These mares protect their 8008s fiercely, to the point that a common point of pride for a pony is being permitted to lay their head on them when the host is laying down. This pattern holds true for human males as well, with the greatest glory attributed to those males who have been permitted to touch an unclothed SCP-8008 with their bare hands.

>Many hosts complain about their SCP-8008s going out of control, and talk extensively of the 'brah-zeer' used to harness them. The commonality of such sentiments, and garments, has led to the accepted theory that SCP-8008 is a symbiotic entity which chooses a human female when she begins turning from a little filly into a mare. The fact that young females have been able to domesticate their own SCP-8008s even in Equestria lends credence to the formerly-fringe theory that SCP-8008's larval form is incorporeal and possibly multidimensional.

>>41066639
>SCP-8008 enacts a mental compulsion on the human species which goes far beyond its obvious utility as something warm and soft. Human males compete for the attention of whichever female hosts the largest 8008s, often to the ignorance of all else(2). The prevailing theory is that symbiosis between SCP-8008 and the human female is responsible for the development of their matriarchal society(3). Extensive tests have proven the entity has no truly anomalous compulsion on the pony psyche, so researchers need not fear interaction.

>ADDENDUM: New insight into the symbiotic nature of SCP-8008 was provided when the first Equestrian-native human [Redacted] was born to [redacted and redacted]. The infant was seen absorbing energy from its mother's left SCP-8008, most likely a necessity to power its massive eyeballs and crying matrix. The now-Grand Unified Theory regarding SCP-8008 is that they are a symbiotic species which gains protection, nourishment and friendshi[ through its host and her romantic suitors in exchange for providing its romance-compelling effect and converting a mother's excess energy into a baby-safe Alternating Current(4) format.
>1. The entity itself is Safe, however it is never found anywhere but attached to a Euclid entity
>2. See files tagged: HOLD MY CIDER, AWOOGA, GAZONGAS
>3. Humans of both sexes vehemently claim their society is largely a patriarchal-leaning egalitarian culture, while at the same time admitting the mother typically has control over dinner, bedtimes, and preferential selection for staying home to play with foals
>4. Humans are widely believed to be a uniquely Friendship-Capable Robotic species, as lightning is the only possible explanation for their sapience which lines up with observed sugar intake. Photosynthesis via their green skin and extensive sun exposure and/or burning of hard spirits in an internal engine are the most common power sources; ponies are reminded that humans do not drink kerosene.

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poner scare

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>>41066987
Sconer Pear

>>41063273
I love her so much

>>41064612
would

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>ywn convince a naive kinderpone to say something absurd without understanding what it means in the slightest

>>41067374
PARTY ROCKERS IN THE HOU
SE TONIGHT

>>41067374
same artist also drew this btw
https://derpibooru.org/images/1976980

>>41067503
Okay?

>>41067503
HOLY SHIT LMAO!

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It’s a good thing I don’t bin most of my green, otherwise the wholesome stuff I write here would be judged due to the fetishistic stuff I write elsewhere kek

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>>41067503

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>>41067649
Have you considered making one or more alternative accounts?

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>>41067852
I’ve done that in the past, but once I realized how strange and unnecessary it is, I just stopped altogether. It’s pretty liberating, not having to think about green beyond posting it. Unless someone asks me to save one of them, then I’ve always done it.
Anyway, which Kinderpone is the most surprising to be a Big Pony?

>>41067921
Derpy is the easy answer, being everypony's favorite oaf who also has a high-trust government job and at least one kid.
More fun answer might be Diamond Tiara or Silver Spoon; they get pissy with the CMCs because they're the same age and can't understand why the CMCs wreck the town so much. Imagine being the only mental-teenager stuck in a world of teenage kindergarteners. It'd be Hell.
Surprising adult? Pinkie, hands down. She's possibly the most canon evidence for kinderquestria, and also has a stable job, visits her family more than once in a blue moon, is allowed to handle explosives and is a supergenius who knows too much about everypony.
Trixie for similar reasons: she's a childish braggart in her first appearance, but she also travels through the extremely dangerous byroads of Equestria with no fear which would definitely include (gasp) being outside at night.

Now a question of my own: how do other species rank on the kinder scale? I see Griffons and Dragons as eternal teenage punks, and donkeys as the only species that matures at a normal rate (Cranky Doodle isn't old, he's just grown up and overexposed to pony nonsense) but I wonder how others see it.

>>41068617
I would like to terrorize kinderpones with softball sized pill bugs

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>>41068645
This one right here, officer- oh no, it might be a while

>>41069061
Smart Guardsmare, cant beat the stick, not with a sword at least.
You cut it or break it and there are two sticks now.

>>41065627
I got a prerelease version of a new daring do movie and tons of snacks and pizza.

>>41069289
Trixie, nitroglycerin for your heart is not the same thing as nitroglycerin for mining!

>>41069312
They are not?

>>41069312
They actually are the same

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>>41069350
>>41069563
Same chemical, but medical nitro is heavily diluted so it doesn't explode silly.

>>41069869
If anypony would attempt to undilute it, it would be Trixie then Ponk

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>Anon ends up adopting Scootaloo
>Turns out even in Kinderquestria you're not allowed to leave a foal home alone
>Not even to fuck off to Sire Lanka or to the next town over to fuck your gay wife
>Who knew?
>One day Scootaloo comes home sobbing
>She saw Tank's helicopter
>And Pinkie's Pinkiecopter
"Yeah, I was wondering why you didn't have one..."
>"I ASKED! They can't make a magicopter big enough for me! And you need earth pony legs to keep a bike in the air!"
>Last time he checked, Scootaloo wasn't that heavy
>Thanks to the magic of..... magic
>And hollow bones, maybe
"Hold on, I might have something"

>The next day
>Pic related
>Scootaloo lands after draining the battery
"Sorry I can't do more-"
>Anon is interrupted by a deadly flying filly hug
>"I don't care, it's more than I've ever had!"

>>41070468
Holy fucking based

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>>41070468
What a good anon, taking care of his filly daughteru.

>>41071117
I don't usually care for badumsquishes content but goddamn this is funny. it's not because of his style either he does show accurate really well and pays close attention to the minor details and he takes pride in what he does like a craftsman.

>>41071172
Not sure why it needs to be inherently negative, but I agree. This one’s hilarious.

>>41071715
The machine is labelled "Ponk detector," the graph is saying "yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyes"

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>it has been 5 days since anon threw the red ball, but we've yet to find it
>you'd think anon himself would be more worried about it, balls are expensive and his looked like a prime quality one
>he just said "fetch" and threw the ball really hard, cause I couldn't see it at all
>I do wonder, however, if anon threw the ball at all in the first place...
Pic related.
...
>"Hey anon?, mind if I ask you something? I don't mean to say we don't trust you but I have to get this off my chest.
"Sure Twi, ask away."
>"D-Did... Did you ever throw that ball?"
>Anon's face flips between happiness qnd despair, a feeling all too common to you.
"To be honest... I didnt. It was always in my hand, but you all looked so happy looking for it that I couldn't bring myself to tell you I had it still... Then when you started organizing that search party... It got out of hand-err hoof?"
"Thank the stars that you figured it out... Can you help me with that?"
>CALLED IT, he had never thrown it! They said you were talking gibberish but you knew it!
>That said, it aint nice lying to your friends, anon should know better.
>"But why not throw the ball? You shouldn't lie to your friends like that Anon!"
"I just wanted to play with you all like I did with my old dog back home, he'd look so elated when I showed that I had the ball after he returned dejected, having failed to find it."
"Just wasn't expecting you all to take it this far. Can you forgive me?"
>You smile after recognizing Anon never meant any ill and say:
>"Sure! And I'll help you with everyone else. On ONE condition..."
>Anon looks a bit worried by the tone you used, but nods.
>"Teach me how you faked the ball throw..."
>Anon bursts into fits of laughter and relaxes.
...
>3 hours later, you can do the underhoof throw like nopony's business.
>You can't wait to do this with Rainbow Dash if she crashes into your treehouse one more time without apologizing.
>...
>Maybe it's time to review those friendship lessons again.

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>>41073651

>Discord getting replaced as top trickster god
>discord tries to find out how he does it

"The path to ultimate tomfoolery is leads to abilities many pones will find... unnatural"

>>41073651
KEK

>>41075714
Twiggy so smelly haha

>>41076542
I just like it when they do horsey things.

>>41076948
Like being smelly? I’ll stop

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>>41077012
>Like being smelly?
That's just Twilight, she's a neet.

>>41075714
SHE
REAKS

>>41077124
>Twilight probably doesn't bathe much in canon
She must smell even worse in Kinderquestria due to the added stigma against bathtime...

>>41078296
eppy twiggy

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>>41079521
if she grabs his hand she's going to get pregnant

>>41079670
What is her end goal?

>>41079969
Repeat button booping to ensure successful activation of The Nozzle

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>9
time for fresh twiggy boops

>>41080622
I would boop her like she’s never been booped before. She would be a changed mare from then on; begging me to boop her whenever she sees me.

>>41080622
would

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e3d3D3e3hII

Boop

>>41080723
L-Lewd!

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>>41080622
Is that referencing the "dress" thread?

>>41081870
No but that amre is a qt tho

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>head pats

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>>41082484

>>41082484
“Fine, but only a couple”
>The bright pink pony beams brightly at you, then dives into your torso and locks her forehooves behind your back
>”Yaaaaay!”
>Her head naturally turns to the side as she essentially faceplants into your upper body, and her weight leaves you without much choice but to lower yourself to the ground, lest you both fall harshly onto it
>She finds the new ground-bound position to be much nicer, and snuggles her soft, squishy body comfortably into your lap
>Giggling to herself, she presents her poofy hair-adorned head to you with a few suggestive movements, as if urging you to begin patting it
>”C’mon, Nonnyyyyyy~!”
>Well...
>Alright, then
>You gingerly raise a hand and bring it overtop her head, letting it hang there for a few seconds as you mentally prepare yourself
>She squirms around anxiously in your lap, incidentally causing her generous and pliable rump to rub against your crotch a few times
>Oh, fuck...
>If it’ll make her sit still, then commence the patting!
>Your hand lowers into the dark pink mass of impossibly-soft hair, which parts soothingly for a very appreciated full second before contact is made with her scalp
>The resulting giggles that fill the air quickly trail off into a satisfied sigh as you repeat the motion
>Her body relaxes against you entirely, leaving a very warm and comforting weight
>Damn it, these ponies are so cute and cuddly
>Even after the promised couple of headpats are far behind you, you can’t bring yourself to stop
>She adjusts her position, once again brushing that shamefully-tantalizing rear against your, now rising, member
>You flinch, and the headpats cease for a moment as you yell internally at your traitorous penis
>The lapse in pats is enough to draw the attention of your cuddle buddy, who looks hazily and dreamily up at you
>”Wha... what’s wrong, Nonny?”
“This isn’t good...”
>Fuck, you didn’t mean to say that out loud!
>She looks concerned, and seems to be returning to Equestria from whichever far off place her mind resided moments ago
>”What is it?”
>Third time’s the charm, as they say; though you doubt anyone has ever used the phrase to refer to a talking pink pony unknowingly pleasuring them through their clothes
>This time, the wriggly pony seems to notice the oddity and turns her head nearly 180 degrees to face the pokey culprit
>Even more bizarrely - and maybe even somewhat grossly - her head manages to tilt from this already worrying position as an indication of her confusion
>Her interest having now shifted completely, she pivots her entire body to match her head’s orientation
>Thankfully— your stomach was starting to churn a bit at the sight
>”What’s this thing, Nonny?”
>Oh, right
>This is still happening

was gonna do about two more posts, but ran out of energy and decided to post it instead of scrapping it like most others kek. Luckily it’s a decent note to end on

>>41082606
based horny anon

what would actual sex with a kinderpony be like? Not hoof holding or smooching, but actual penetrative sex?

Maybe that's why pony stallions have no stamina, not because it's a hold over from horses, but because ponies think it's gross and only do it for the foals, so they're hardwired to be as quick as possible. Stallion mounts, inserts once, blows his load, and dismounts while both ponies chant, "Ewewewewew!" and rush to the the shower- not even a bubble bath because they don't want to stew in it.
The couple help clean each other up, barely able to even look at their sticky genitals, then go to bed and cuddle while discussing baby names now that the worst part is over.

Anon ends up in Equestria, and his mare is hyperventilating and tearing up as he tries to fug her. After ten seconds, she's bawling and Anon needs to stop.
After she settles down, she tells Anon she still loves him and wants to have a foal with him, but she's not going to be able to do that again.
One baster later and the mare is happily humming as she sets up a nursery.
Anon is stuck using his hand from then on, but his mare at least lifts her tail while closing her eyes and covering her ears to let him look while he does it.

>>41082645
>Worst part
Who's gonna tell the mare what happens in 11 months?

>>41082645
>>41082886
Kinderpones don't have sex. They hold hooves really hard and then eleven months later a stork shows up with a foal and a "how to be a good parent" picture book.

People who lewd kinderpones go to horny jail.

>>41083320
>People who lewd kinderpones go to horny jail
Pone prison?

>>41083320
>People who lewd kinderpones go to horny jail.
https://youtu.be/Gm2x6CVIXiE?si=XQojeoIBuTpDR2B_&t=2

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>>41083320
>People who lewd kinderpones go to horny jail.
Only the most mature of kinderpones have a lewdity license

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>>41083320

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One of my favorite kinder tropes is when kinderpones are unintentionally turbo lewd.

>>41083859
Same. This guy >>41070468 has the extremely goofy angle covered well, so I just focus on the unintentional lewdness for the most part.

>>41083859
I like to think about the logistics of casual sex kinderquestria sometimes because I think it would be hilarious because of the tonal whiplash

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drunk boop

>>41085023
Woah!

>>41085051
We're halfway there!

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appulbloom

>>41085780
indeed

>>41086276
Cute twiggy

>>41087041
That's a very pettable Dash.

>>41088199
true fax

>>41088283
Scary mare

>10
not on my watch, been on vacation, regular shitposts and SCPs will resume soon

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>>41089202
He returns!

>>41082886
Nah, the foal is just teleported out of the womb by a unicorn doctor.

>>41089566
But the birth canal contains necessary microbes and bacteria that form a young child's initial immune system. That's why c-section babies tend to have weaker immune systems.

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I would pet the shit out of this poner

>>41089948
*pet* *pet* *pet* *pet* *pet* *pet* *pet* *pet* *pet* *pet* *pet* *pet* *pet* *pet* *pet* GET HAPPY GET HAPPY GET HAPPY GET HAPPY GET HAPPY GET HAPPY GET HAPPY GET HAPPY GET HAPPY

>>41048028
twilight performing the kage no bunshin jutsu

>>41091042
KEK

>>41091042
Octavia is a grownup pony, just ask for a blowjob silly

>9
Must I put you all in the public Dunce Cap Corner?

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>>41083966
>Goofy angle covered well
Thank, fren
>>41084289
Kinderponies either reproduce via silly fairy tale shit, or the most horrible gross sex imaginable that both partners are into because this is a world where True Love exists. I can't imagine any in-between on this subject.
>>41089600
The birth canal is the main transmitter of Cooties to fillies. A C-section is the only way to save them from a lifetime of being icky girls!
>>41089948
>>41090112
Instructions unclear. Congratulations for your newborn colt!
>>41090572
Sergeant, if there aren't any enemies of the state in that pond, then the next words outta yer mouth better be to tell me there's bubble bath in that pond, because I cannot for the life of me think of any other viable excuses for you to be AWAY. FROM. YOUR. POST. -Drill Sgt. Arch Doormare

(Kindersergeants earn the name of Drill Sergeant when they're trusted with power tools to make new buildings. They end up having to yell over their tools a lot.)
>>41090838
>Speaking in sans serif
Young mares, we use our inside fonts in the forum!

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Every time I make significant progress on a green, I get exhausted/sleepy and have to stop kek

>>41091896
Happens to us all. DESU my best work is done when I force myself through it, I think Regolith Rump is just better at being a muse than Fusion Fanny.

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>>41092200
Why the heck does the abbreviation for "to be honest" get turned into anime words!?

Captcha: vygn

>>41092203
Ancient (by internet standards) injoke

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>>41057802
>Be Anon
>Be listening to this shit
>Kid's a pretty good raconteur, if you do say so yourself
>'specially since he's managed to keep talking coherently while you're whupping him with your great grandma's flip flop
"Okay, so, you had to get outta Ponyville, dodged some mobs, almost had a villain breakdown, kinda fought it off yourself (good on you, kid)"
>"Yep- OW- Uh huh- OW"
"So, I'm assuming it was the dragon sitting on you plus the sandblasting that whitewashed my GOT-dang tanktrucktank?"
>"Ye- uh, nope!"
>Lord help you, this kid's trying your patience
>He might as well be t-posing
"So WHAT in the hell did!?"
>"We're not sure! We have it narrowed down to like, two things maybe?"
>Grrrrrrrrrr
>"Ha ha, uh, it was probably either us crashing into the Pensacolta paint thinner factory.... orrrrrrr..... uh...."
>His eyes are drawn to a river of digicam sludge pouring down the drain
>"Heh... ok it was DEFINITELY us crashing into the moonshine shed right before you started yelling about your truck."
>Moonshine shed? In this county?
>You grin like the Grinch for a moment
>Heh, maybe that's why he's called the GRINch

>Where the hell were those two glowmares? Ever Accurate and..... fucking Extreme Doormat?
>Seriously?
"Hey! Eve, Doormat!"
>"That's LIEUTENANT MAT to you, boy."
"Whatever- go check out the backyard, guy was probably making some crazy illegal-ass hooch!"
>Doormat sighs the sigh of a pony who knows she's about to have more work but has to try to get out of it anyway
>"How much, and how illegal, in your estimate?"
"Uhhhh.... my trucktanktruck was painted like a kickass forest green tiger before they smashed into one of the buildings. Now it's blindingly white... which is weird because that is NOT what the base material looks like."

>Be Doormat
>You and Eve share a positively Discordian grin as you turn your gaze upon the Burlap Bag Containing Bastard Beauregard
>"Oh, that is VERY interesting!"
"Very noteworthy indeed, I'm curious as to how that could be here, this close to a commercial food-packaging facility, without any safety installations!"
>"Not to mention licenses!"
"Indeed, Eve. You know, I was wondering how we'd actually keep him down despite the city's notoriously riotous character."
>"Yesyes! Luna was breathing down my PLOT for this, I was not looking forward to telling her how many loopholes I couldn't close!"
"Oh, I think she will be quite forgiving, especially since we might deliver unto her the thing she most wants: to Do Stuff."
>Beauregard screams in his usual burlap-stuffed, garbled manner
"One might assume that was a tirade of insults directed at thy sovereign, Sir. Yet, I am in a charitable mood, and will instead interpret your idiocy as a relevant question: what?"
>"Hehe I can answer that! Most ponies don't know this, but Princess Luna's technically the princess of weird ancient magical crud and adult drinks!"

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>>41092403
"Technically, the title is "Stewardess of Old, Unhappy, Far Away Things and Bulwark Against All-Shaking Thunder"- it's a very, as in pre-Equestrian, old position- but one that still carries weight when it must."
>MMMMMMMMMPH!(What the buck does that have to do with me?)
>Evie gets the same Look as dame Twilight when the opportunity for a lecture arises
>Could they be related? No, never! Unless....
>"Quite simple, actually. You're illegally producing massive quantities of intense mind-altering substances and consuming them outside of a therapeutic context! The kind of hooch you're making here is...
>She sniffs the river of modern art and reels back with a squeal
>"HOOOOIE! I bet that stuff's harder than what Luna drank when she got all mopey and turned into Nightmare Moon!"

>"Oh I know how this ends, HA HA! Gonna get the mob bastard on tax law, ain't ya?"
"Ah, Anon, you're rather insightful, but not quite there. Evie, you're correct- even after Molly left us, I didn't need something half as strong as this to get through the day."
>"Ha! Wait-"
"Nopony cares about hard cider, nor those delightful brainmelter soda bottles we sometimes fish up from a broken bridge- this stuff, however?"
>You punctuate the statement with a hard look at Beauregard
"To answer your unspoken question, Anondiah, tis not a tax technicality I'll be getting him on- rather, Consorting with Demon-"
>"RUN, BEAU! I HATE YER GUTS BUT I DON'T CONSORT WITH THE AY-TEE-EFF!"
>You're interrupted by the sound of several bones cracking against your helmet, followed by an old green primate falling over
>Would've been a better show if he'd cut Beau's binds BEFORE he crippled himself
>At least he knows when he's bucked up- he's not trying to run, now, and has the good sense to look contrite
>Ah, Tartarus, you can't blame him for the same free spirit that burns within you
"Relax, citizen- nopony cares about the still or the.... I don't even know what that contraption is but it smells like a stolen star, yet no Constellation is missing a child. Serious, throat-burning hooch however... THAT is quite literally an alchemical method to summon demons."
>"What."
>You let him stew in your gaze for an appropriately embarrassing time before continuing
"It's poison water made of mold (the simplest form of entropy spirit) that either deadens your emotions or outright exacerbates negative emotions. A little demonology never hurt anypony, mind you- but this? What did you think severe alcoholism is?"
>MMMMMMMMMMMMMM!(I consume that recreationally and for the Southern Communion on holy days! You can't prove crap!)
"We do not need to. Even without a technicality, I have sufficient powers to-"
>"No, seriously, what?"
"-To carry out any orders I deem necessary, now that I have my proverbial hoof in the door from the owner's gross negligence in obtaining a demonologists' safety certification."
>Pause for effect
>Yes, she definitely gets it from somewhere
"For WE. ARE. PRINCESS LUNA."

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>>41092412
>Be Doormat
>Actually, Be LUNA, the LEAST doormat of all ponies!
>You perform the Royal Magical Filly Transformation, as is tradition, and upon regaining thine royal countenance, smack thine hoof upon the ground thrice, also as is tradition
>Gazing down upon a now wet and smelly old blaggard, n awestruck civil servant, three very tired foals, a.... CANINUS LIBRARIUM? Does that mean-
>SWEET MEGAN, THAT GREEN FELLOW IS A HUMAN?
>You wrote it off as a linguistic coincidence, like how no matter where any alien is from, your nation somehow sounds like it's built upon puns related to beasts of burden!
>You must go see the Tree! She needs to know Her people didn't die out, post ha-
>You see Trixie, trying her very hardest to hide behind the massive wheel of this most glorious roving fortress
>Your.... descendant
>Your only flesh and blood
>Sorry Celestia, but you both know you're technically adopted
>All else can wait. Honestly, Megan most likely knew- that dog certainly wouldn't be smarter than most foals if he weren't under Her grace
>Not to mention alive at all, if the relevant census documents are accurate
>This matter must be dealt with. Now.

"Now, 'master' Beauregard-"
"Regarding the matters of your consorting with demons of Nightmare and Entropy, of leaving such libations in a dangerously accessible location, of leaving CONFLAGERANTS and NIGHTMAREIFYERS for that matter! Of the accusations of arranging a fishing accident, of the suspicious circumstances regarding your regency of MY descendant's estate-"
>"Trixie say WHAAAAAAAAAT?"
"Have you anything to say in your defense, or will you simply take the dunce chair?"
>"The stills were Trixie's idea! I tried to stop her!"
>You facehoof
>With your fully-shod, Night Witch guard-armored leg
>Fortunately, a blue-black coat tends to hide black eyes
>Finally, with a sigh, you can respond:
"First: if they were Trixie's idea, that would prove her being unable to manage this estate-"
>"HA HA HA HA HA HA I GOT YOU NOW!"
"Finished? I wasn't- 'which means it's your fault still, for not stopping a legally incompetent mare.' You can't have it both ways. Also, we have the tax logs, pay stubs and testimony of your valet proving she absolutely was not managing the estate and was in fact convinced of her entire family being hangers-on of yours, so let's add 'giving false testimony' and 'lying to royalty.' Yes, that is a specific crime that can be added on top of lying to an officer, and yes, you really are that predictable."
>You wait a bit, letting him start to say something, before continuing
>The classic Big Sister power move, oh how you've longed to wield it!
"Second, if it were Trixie's doing, it would not be a crime. Yes, because she was born special you ninny- do you not understand what a KNIGHT is? Nor why it rhymes with NIGHT?"
>"Trixie is still caught up on the whole BEING FRIGGIN ROYALTY thing!?"

>>41092336
rip

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>8

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>>41093383
Oh, please. Nothing like that... So, would you like a massage?

>>41093383
Mare has ass for days

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kinda horny up in here

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>>41094047
>Says it's horny here
>That pony has no horn

>>41094047
...I’ll hold off on posting my green when it’s finished, then. Give the horny some time to breathe. It will make it even less relevant, since it’s in reply to something earlier kek

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>Be in the Royal KinderGuarden
>Your armor is shined today
>Why?
>They called for parade
>Full-ass Fillies on Parade right now
>They caught somepony doing something, so now the whole regiment has to deal with it of course
>Why is there a toilet in the middle of the field?
>What in the major malfunction?
>You turn to the color sergeant
"What the hecky is going on?"
>"Bad news, they're dealing with that Winnie Weaver... eyes forward."
>Celestia herself is walking to the center, followed by a mare in chains
>Oh shit
>That scroll is as long as Her wing
>"Ahem. Winnie Weaver, for the crime of stealing a comrade's chocolate milk, you are hereby stripped of your rank and sentenced to Bad Stuff."
>The praetorians flanking Her step forward, dragging the ex-soldier in their magic
>With robotic precision, the black bag is taken off her head, the mare picked up and dunked in the toilet
>One
>Two
>Three flushes
>There's no fanfare to it, she's just Toilet Head and out of the guard now
>Everypony is filed out
>Just like that